guess what i did today? i started a blog. a blog i will not share with anyone close to me! big step for me. i usually have such a need to tell everyone everything. hopefully this will not end up being leaked to anyone i hold dear. they'll probably ask why i'm going by the name luke. such a terrible fate.
i'm going to be honest, privacy is dead. for me, at least. sure its probably not conventional to start my first blog talking about how i'm being watched, but i don't care. if anyone is able to contact me about this, it'll break the illusion that i have any form of privacy.
i think people are watching me. either watching me from the outside, or watching me from inside my own head. my proof is that im getting dizzy simply from writing this.
the fact of the matter is, i am not privy to most things that happen inside my own brain. stometimes i feel i am speaking the words of someone else, or i am simply watching the actions of another though my own eyes. well actually this happens all the time. 24/7 to be exact. i have been in a dissasociative episode for about four-ish years now. i do not wish to do the math.
dissasociative episodes are common in those who are mentally unwell. but usually they only seem to occur for a few hours or so. i don't feel real. ever. i dont think i remember what feeling real is even like. which brings me to two possibilities:
A: i have a dissasociative disorder so deep and so severe that it is barely even mentioned in medical areas, meaning there is little to no help of ever healing.
B: nothing is real, i am not real, this is not my body
both of these options suck dick and balls.
also, these options both fill me with a deep sense of dread! unending dread! i would quite like to end my life over this actually! but i have the whole "But too many people care about me" bullshit thing so. can't really do that.
i didn't do much at all today. its summer holidays. i drew a bit for artfight but other than that i did fuck all. pretty much a summary of the past few months at this point
do you think this site would count as "html experience" in my university application. i hope the uni examiners rejoice when they read about how i feel i am living out of borrowed flesh.
what most people don't get about my mental state is that i simply do not care. yeah i might feel like there are bugs under my skin, but also who really needs to go through the effort of getting them out. yeah i dont think this is real but also . what am i supposed to do about that. kill myself? already said why i cant do that. its not like im about to pull a fucking truman show moment i am not that special.
i'm very tired. of everything . i dont care about things. unless its like. doctor who. but thats just because im autistic. i think if i didint have special interests/hyperfixations i would just keel over and die. like half the reason i'm alive is so i can consume more doctor who content.
anyways. this truly has been the blog of all time. im gonna go take a shower or something. now i think about it i don't remember the last time i showered. actually i think its been over a week since i even left the house. hm.
