i ended up taking a look at other neocities sites and waow. how do people do this shit. impressive as hell! hopefully i'll be able to do something at least a little similar with this site. one day
in other news i just had a shower for the first time in who knows how long. around a week? my memory doesn't exactly srtech past 2-3 days back so who knows. its good though, because i feel about 2% better. sadly i did spend the entire day hyperfocused on animating a stupid little trend for tiktok. i barely even use tiktok i just post things there to farm serotonin. my addiction to internet attention never really left after the. oh my god i havent explained the comic incident here have i.
let me set the scene for you guys here wait.
imagine back to the long past days of 2022. specifically march. a small weird boy sits in a class full of mean people and comes up with the awesome idea of "hey what if i made a comic about [REDACTED]" (redacted for my anonymity!) so that weird small boy gets his notebook out of his bag and begins sketching a light plan for the first page. he then gets home, digitalizes it, and posts it on twitter the next day.
one year later, this comic has its own micro-fandom of very loyal, very passionate fans. this boy is running a large discord. this buy is also like. fourteen to fifteen years old. specifically, a 14-15 yr old who is put down by everyone in his real life, but is praised and worshipped online.
dear reader i hope you can see how this can get bad
i got kinda. sucked into the online world. i sorta abandoned everyone i was close to irl. one of my closest online friends from this comic did some things so horrific and specific i dont want to elaborate because it might be recognizable. i think i tried to kill myself at least four? times during this period. and i had an eating disorder throughout the whole thing. i would starve myself until i got comic panels out. theres more but. i dont wanna talk about this more. just a very bad situation. wouldnt reccomend.
anyways traumadumping over. you wanna hear some worse things?
i'm not sure if i love anyone. or anything. in specifics my boyfriend. i love being around him, he makes me feel happy and safe and calm and i enjoy kissing and hugging and everything couples do. (well except for when i don't but i think that fear comes from being touched as a kid LMFAO) but i don't know if i actually love. people describe love to me and it just doesn't make sense. i have never had a crush on anyone. i rarely feel arousal if at all.
i guess i feel love. but ive just never had the eperience of "young love". ive never fallen head over heels for someone. ive never craved someone every second. but i feel connection. with my boyfriend. i feel like i can say anything. i feel like i can actually be me. i dont even know who "me" is but it feels safer around him so i feel like that's something. and im scared. of letting him down and not loving enough. and i want to hold him. and i want to spend my life with him. and i want to see him get better.
i think the king that fucks me up about love is that i felt this way for everything when i was young. i loved everyone. i wanted them to love me too. i think that's why people turned away from me. i loved too much and i was too raw and too open and i said too much. i was hyper and loud and never quite knew how to think before i spoke. and everything was beautiful.
i guess things need to change. change is good. change is when you say farewell to a past version of yourself. you barely even notice they're gone until you look back and realize things have changed.
what happened to me wasn't change. someone beat that kid to death. the kid that loved everything and trusted so openly. the kid that would talk to anyone about anything. that kid was sad too, but there was a balance. they were sadder than any kid should be, but at least life had colour. they still beleived "maybe if i try harder mum will stop yelling at me" or "maybe if im friendlier people will stop thinking i'm annoying". that is a kind of hope i don't have.
its times like these i remember what my mum said when i tried to come out as trans to her. she was quiet. i asked her if she was ok. she gave one-word answers. eventually she looked at me with tears in her eyes and screamed at me
"you killed my daughter"
i didn't kill her fucking daughter. she did.
i cried at an undertale video essay today. it said something about the mirror scene. the "despite evrything, its still you". that no matter how many horrible or beautiful things i go through, i am still fundementally, me. because honestly? i don't really know if i am. the side of me show on this blog isnt who i am. i have nice things to say. im not always miserable. there's more to me than suffering. at least i hope there is. sometimes i worry all i am is this. i don't want that. i don't want this.
its 1am now. its techically the fourth, not the third. how scandalous. hopefully tomorrow feels better. but i sort of doubt it.
aLSO HOPEFULLY I GET MY FUCKING COLLEGE WORK DONE FUCK I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING
