i'm actually going to do work today. i know. scandalous. or at least try to. im posting this so i feel obligated to work because ive said it now.

ok fuck it. its becoming so hard to not think about how irrepearble my relationship with my mother is. how do people handle having trauma? for the longest time i dissasociated from it and everything was fine and i didn't care. but now its becoming real. like this is fucking real and i'm scared. i'm 17 im supposed to be going to parties and getting in messy breakups and crying on snapchat or whatever people my age do. im not trying to say "ha ha! i'm so original! i could never be like the other people my age!" i just feel isolated. i can't function normally because of my trauma and if anything, i just feel cheated out of a normal life. it pisses me off.

whatever. i'm gonna get started on college work. 36 days until the deadline. i'll try not to think about killing myself while i do it.

i know i probably shouldnt be updating this blog every day. and i won't. im just starting off strong before my ineviatble spiral into losing interest in this project. also i havnt done any work yet i should probably. get on that

update. i did nothing all day. my boyfriend is in a horribly bad state and im finding it harder to help him because my problems are getting worse. my biggest fear is he'll start seeing himself as a burden. he already does. he's so scared of hurting me and is always so apologetic and i think its why he's not reaching out as much as he could. i'm worried and tired and depressed. and i haven't started my college work. i just don't want him to hurt himself again. i don't want to go in depth on him here, it feels abd and like im stripping his privacy. even if you don't know who he is. i don't know man. i spent the day working on character sheets for characters or whatever. it was fun. i'm tired.

she didn't mean to be cruel but it didn't mean she was kind. i'm scared of getting help or changing things because that makes it real. AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA NEVERMIND NEVERMIND NEVERMIND NEVERMIND I JUST THOUGHT OF DOCTOR WHO I M OK. NO I DO WANT TO BASH MY HEAD INTO A WALL bu in a fun chill way i need TO CLAW MY FUCKING FACES OFF I CANT DO THIS I NEED TO HURT SOMEONE I NEED TO HURT HER I NEED TO HURT HER I NEED TO HURT HER I NEED TO HURT HER I NEED TO HURT HER it would be nice if she hugged me and told me it was all alright. she'll listen to me and say sorry and it will all be okay amd my mum will love me and its all okay its all going to be okay if i forgive her and she hugs me and everything will be okay. reality is so small. i want to be held without feeling sick i want. to be hed without being touched badly. i want to be held in a nice way i want her to hold me in a nice way. is that too much to ask?

i'd usually say something like "haha what was that erm cringe" but i don't want to. theres no way this is my life. i don't want this to be my life. i'm scared.