sorry lads, this one is about my mother. all about my mother. good luck
i know i said i'd stop updating this every day but today went bad. i still don't fully remember it but i broke something very fragile in me and my mum's relationship.
i complained about heart palpitations, she started ranting a bit about how bad my eating was, i started being receptive and asking how to improve, the convo went good. and then i mentionsed "i know you probably don't think its arfid but it probably is" (this is based on a convo i had with her a while ago that i probably misremembered the point of. whoops) and she got really angry at me and stormed outside and told me to get out of her face because i was painting her as evil and never listened to her so i apologised and went upstairs. she came upstairs a bit later and then started yelling again about how i never listen to her, and started crying a bit because i don't talk to her about things, and how i act like she's a monster and she knows i paint her as a villain to my therapists. so i listened and i tried not to cry and i apologised and i told her i love her and i don't think she's evil. annd then i sort of broke down sobbing and explained how i feel like i'm walking on eggshells around her and how scared i am and how we need to fix our communication because im afraid of speaking to her because she just ends up yelling. and that really got her upset because she started talking about how much my actions affect her too and how i'm also in the wrong and how much i hurt her. and she she just kept going and going and breaking me down and down and telling me how much i hurt her and how tired she is and how much it hurts her for me to act like i do. she got teary eyed at bits and spoke about how the way i perceive her is terrible, i never really get to know her and i just want to either use her or hate her.
she went on about how she's held back from yelling at me and doesn't understand why i still act like i'm so afraid of her. and then she said something about how "we hurt eachother equal amounts" that really just. made me snap. of course she doesn't know i tried to kill myself when i was 12 because of her or how all my relationships, my outlook on the world and everything has sort of been warped by show she treated me and i just burst into disgusted laugjjing sobs and told her never to say that and . i can't take that back. and now she knows. and she thinks im disgusting for it.
this FULLY GROWN WOMAN beleives a CHILD being AFRAID OF HER for verbally abusing them until the age of 15-16 is equal to her actions. she thinks i'm fucking horrible because i'm scared!! i avoid her because im scared!! i don't think she's pure evil but for once i just want her to understand why i'm so scared. i was a child. and she loved to remind me how i was more mature than other kids but thats just because i had to learn how to be to calm her down. i wasnt mature enough for her to be yelling at me like this i jsut thought she hated me and i was a terrible kid. and i was scared. she asks why i still act like im scared even though she's stopped, its because it still happened. and i have to drag that weight with me every day. she will never understand what i hide from her to make her feel better about herself.
despite my words i'm not angry. im scared and i feel unseen and frustrated. i feel like im going crazy. i feel crazy. i can't tell if my memories are real or if i really was a terrible kid who amde her feel that horrible. i don't even remember most of my childhood. i probably was that abd to her and i don't even remember. and i ahte myself for that. i hate myself more than i ever want her to know. because i love her and i think it would break her to know how much i hate myself for the way ive treated her.
its better now. i helped her with dinner. but i still can't shake off that this will probably have consequences. ah who gives a shit i dont care anymore lol
update: everything is okay now. life isn't only pain and i will get better. i don't feel happy but i feel at peace. and that's enough. im going to bed