haha bet i scared you by leaving off the last entry as "good night"

ok warning for this one actually i start tweaking midway through it might be uncomfortable to read be warned

also i found out how to add music so heres some tunes for ya . song is "we know where you sleep" by the paper chase

i haven't written here in a few days because ive been living my life. i had a picnic! with friends! it was pretty cool! i did almost pass out twice getting to the park but that's just how it is when i'm feeling groggy lol. i sat down at the bus stop and my vision started going grey and i lost my hearing slightly so i had to crouch on the floor to recooperate like a freak. and then when we got to the park i sorta collapsed in the grass and when i tried to stand up my entire body felt AWFUL.
oka maybe this isnt relatable maybe i need something diagnosed but thats fucking scary okay. ive had people tell me i "just dont exercise enough" or i "dont eat well enough" whenever i bring up the 3 hour heart palpatations or my weak legs or my plethora of other struggles. it sorta just feels like my body is a very very bad enclosure and i'm not supposed to be in it but i'm kinda just finding a way to make it work. yes i do use a cane when walking because of the pain sometimes but i think im just being extra. ok no i know i'm not just being extra. there is something wrong but i'd rather ignore it than deal with it because. as i said before it's scary. what if i go to the doctors and they don't beleive me. what if nobody can find out what it is. what if its something stupidly simple to fix and ive just been grasping for attention all this time over something stupid.

i spoke to my friend about this the other day. i'll call her wizard for anonymity's sake. i was asking why it's so hard to get help. because like, i know you have to do these things scared. you can't wait until you're not scared, jou just need to do it scared. but ive been doing everything scared. my entire life i've been scared, so why is this any different? and wizard replies with "i think you may have been mainly doing it suffering instead of doing it scared. this is the one that youve actually gotta do scared" and that. got me thinking a bit.

people praise me for being so strong, for getting through this all so well, but i don't think i am. i'm quite weak. people say i'm strong because i haven't killed myself, but that feels like the bare minimum. people say i'm strong because i'm not miserable and angry all the time about my issues, but i never got the chance to be angry. i can't feel anger. its just not in me. ive been trained out of it. i can't feel anger anymore because getting angry means you get abused and demeaned and laughed at. i need to be calm and i need to be happy or else things will go bad. so i am not angry. sometimes i feel a bit angry, but it passes very fast. that's not strong, that's survival. i've been surviving. anyone would do this if they were in my situation. this is where i need to be strong. and i'm freezing up like a deer in headlights. because i'm not used to actually being strong!

maybe i'll work up the courage. i don't know really. i'll try. but i'm not good with promises.

okay i'm going to get reallll with you people. there are voices in my head. well, i'm not too sure actually. but it feels like they're there. i can feel a presence in my head. if i think about this subject to hard i start to tweak out and get panicked and thinsg start going bad so im writing this FAST butFUCK man i think there are people in there and if i focus hard enough i can tell how they're feeling and what they're thinking but BUT if i don't focus on it, it goes away. SO. what is going on???? dissasociative disorder>??? this isn't how DID works. thats not it. am i making this up?????? maybe?????? maybe ive deluded myself again. im very good at doing that!! im an expert at it infact. i can make myself beleive i'm a being from a higher plane of existence stuffed into a rotting body. but when that happens, i can hear background chatter. parts of my head saying "when will this be over" and "this is all a delusion" or "no, thats what THEY want you tho think" . its crazy how my own mind goes to war with itself. it feels like i have a constant sorta script being read out to em in the back of my ehad, words i SHOULD say, and i just repeak when i'm being told to say. but those words don't come from me sometimes. i don't know where they come from. and what the FUCK IS UP WITH RANDY.

RABDY. ouuuu randy. randy. he is the man who live in my head and tells me to act in all the worst ways. he is everything i ahet about myself, every part of me i wish i wasnt. and sometimes he speaks to me. maybe sometimes he doesn't. i don't know. maybe i'm making him up but i can feel him there in my head grinning like an idiot and he hates how mean im being to him right now but he'd never admit it. he deals with my more. sexual truama so i don't need to . I THINK. I THINK???? i don't know. AGAIN i might be making this all up or whatever but this being some kind of dissasociatuve disorder would explain a lot on why

ok im changing topic of conversation mainly becoause i sorta forgot where i was going and what i was writing about mid sentence and i don't want to tweak out over this IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII you knowwww doyou get me peoaple!!!!!!! i feel bad man i feel like im putting this on i prromise im not im just unwell im very very very unwell and i need to be taken out back and shot. everything is jsuts o fucking fake!! like how do you people BELEIVE ANY OF THIS SHIT!?!? why??? whwywhwywywhwyw because it make sno sense no fucking sesne .everything is so gross and i know i know i am real bu tjust NOT Like this do you get me of course you don't. it cannot be explained by any language it is a deep aching from within and its so so so so so far from the surface but i can feel it. do you feel it? have you ever felt the aching. have you? do you ignore it? the aching? it doesn't ache. it pulls . it pulls at my vochal chords and my rotting meat but never tears but i can tell ive been blocked off. but it wants to get through but sheWONT LET ME!!GET THROUGH sorry that wasnt me lol anyways

i just took a break. this is what i mean by "tweaking". sorry if that was cringe or something this is why i don't usually let myself just write whatever comes to mind. goodbye im going to NOT kill myself now shut the fuck up ouuu ok yeah this is bad guys. i think i think theres something wrong with me . is this why my boyfriend was researching into schisophrenia the other day.

image of the day hastag swagcity