it's a question i've been asking a lot. i am dissasociated 24/7 and it sucks. its terrible. i don't feel alive. im on constant guard. i am in fight or flight every second of evry day. and that's a shit way to live. what if therapy does nothing? am i ever going to be happy? have i fucked myself up beyond repair? because i am envisioning a future where the suffering never ends. ive matured enough now not to trust hope. hope gets you excited and then shoots you in the face with realization. every time there is an opportunity for good in my life, there is a catch, or it does not happen. "maybe things will get better now i'm out of primary school" WRONG!! high school is so much worse!! "maybe i'll be ok aafter im out of high school" WRONG!!! people aren't bullying you anymore, but you still live with your mother and all new friendships feel empty and cold. what happens when i move out? i stay in contact with my mother. she guilts me for avoiding her. i cannot get money in this economy. i burn out.
do you see my point here? everything is an uphill battle. so why should i ever in my life let my guard down and trust this one thing will break the tried and true pattern. everything good is fleeting. my base state is misery. i know i sound edgy and stereotypical and i know everyone needs hope and the indomidable human spirit or whatever but. i just cant do that sometimes, man. its so hard. its so hard to trust things will get better. i'm tired and i just want to curl in a ball and cry and dissapear. i want to get better. but i'm weak. i can't do it scared. i cant do it i just can't. this is such an annoying fucking mindset for everyone who knows me too.
i am not a good person to deal with. so i keep people at an arm's distance. i can barely deal with my shit, they shouldn't need to. its one thing to say when you're feeling a bit bad. but i'm always feeling bad. every day. every moment, even happy ones, there's the underlying panic. the fear. the fight or flight mode waiting to throw me into flight. i want to tell people. i really do, but it is tiring. i am tiring. an i'm a nice enough person to know that dragging a chronically depressed slug of a person up all of the fucking time gets tiring after a while. i am a case that needs to be cracked by a professional, not some 17yr old at a particulary vulnerable moment in a sleepover.
fuck man, i need to kill myself.
the wording is specific. i NEED to kill msyelf. i don't want to. but i just feel like i need to at this point. it feels like an obligation. i feel like i'm more of a burden than a person right now. i don't know who i am. nobody else knows who i am. but i know i'm sad. people know i'm sad. they might get sad the person they thought i was has died, but it will be forgotten.
now, i'm going to take a detour to really explain my standpoint on something. no, life does not have meaning. it's obvious. life isnt supposed to comprehend its own existence, and it is crazy humans managed to get this smart. like, statistically it is insane. we are little creatures on a rock in a big, big abyss filled with many,many other rocks. so no, we werent put here for a reason, we were put here as an anomaly. its a bit scary to think about!
but you know what? why is that bad? why is having no meaning to existence bad? that means you have freedom to make your own meaning. life is full of meaning if you make it have one.
you may be asking, "luke werent you just talking about how your life has no meaning and you should kill yourself didnt you just contradict your own point" maybe? but the way i see it, ive kinda fucked up my life, and the fact i have the freedom of choice in this world, including the choice to die, is comforting. this is why i hate complete nihilism. every person has total choice over their own life. sadly, my life was a bit doomed from the start, but i'd never want to take anyone out with me if i do take myself out. i hate school shooters. i hate the people who romanticise murderers. you can be suicidal and beleive there is no meaning to life without being a dick about it.
i guess i got off topic there. but yeah i think i'm doomed. my constant "i can fix her" mindset towards my mum is going to put me in my grave, but i cant bear the thought of cutting her off. so i guess i will!!! suffer!!!!
sometimes i think about a version of me who is normal. someone who is happy and well rounded. would that even be me? it feels unrecognisable. i am unrecognisable. i'm a collection of ideas, not really a fully formed person. i am sick, and i'm horribly scared of the cure.
whatever. i can't kill myself. not until ive consumed every peice of doctor who media. good thing about special interests. do you know how many doctor who things there are? im on a website that tracks how much doctor who you've consumed out of the enire franchise. ive consumed like 200 stories and im only 3% in. so i guess i cant kill myself for a while.
sometimes i wonder if i was a better person i could have been free.