as the title says!i'm okay!
ok, well i'm obviously not okay. you've probably at least read the titles of the other entries and know that. but i just don't want to be sad anymore, man. im tired. it sucks. this isn't who i want to be. i don't want to be this unstable lunatic on the verge of collapse. so i'm not going to think about it.
when you're mentally ill, the first peice of advice many rush to is "don't be afraid to feel your feelings!! its okay!!" but that is a TRAP!!! sure that advice works sometimes. but sometimes!!! it does not!!! especially when your emotions are as volatile as mine are. i can't just decide to feel my feelings because i'm gonna start schizoposting in my youtube community tab again. and thats weird and offputting and makes me seem scary and i don't want to be any of that. to be fair i don't know who i want to be, but i know i don't want to be suffering every day all the time.
you may be wondering where the delusions from the last 2 posts have gone. trust me they are still there!! but i have done this epic thing called compartmenalizing my thoughts, like the true dissasociative disorder warrior i am. i can feel the thoughts in te back of my mind scratching and biting and clawing at the bars of the enclosure ive put them in, and they're doing the whole "YOU'RE ONLY THINKING THIS BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK" routine buut i am choosing to not think about that. does not effect me if i look away. wait is that effect or affect. i didnt know there was a difference until fairly recently. yknow with the way i write on this blog you would not assume i was top of my english class huh. to be fair, i did sleep through 90% of the lessons.
so what am i doing instead? glad you asked i am READING!!! DOCTOR WHO BOOKS!!!! AND IM SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!! i fucking love doctor who. my biggest gripes with my interests are that i fall out of them when theres no content left. doctor who has infinite content. i am FED. everything is good in the world
i wonder if anyone reads this blog. like actually follows it. as of right now, the blog as 4 followers and about 1800 views. who are thse people?? very scary. very fun idea. oh actually you know what, i could send this blog to whatever therapist i get whenever im able to get therapy. it would be fun. ive never had a proper therapist, but i have had councillors, and ive managed to make all of them really really sad. one of them admitted to me that their kid was the same age i was when i first tried to off myself and it made her so sad for me. like how do you react to that information??????? what??????? ok bye im gonna indulge in the autism