i am writing this with some MEANN vertigo so dont judge me if i make more spelling mistajes than usual thanks

so last night. happened. currently i am housesitting with my wonerful wifehusband and and we got outselves this massive bottle of vodka. we both regularly drink a lot. "aren't you 17" yeah and im also from the uk, it'd be harder to find a 17 yr old who doesn't drink here. anyways, we ended the night with half of the (previously full) bottle gone. i will be honest i do not remember much. but i do remember crying quite a lot. like i have not cried like that in years. full on howling and sobbing. probably because i havn't been able to cry like that for a while. my mum would always hear me through the walls and it would always end up in a bad situation. so i learned to cry quietly, but that never feels good. so i sobbed into my boyfriend's arms, not really about anything in particular, just about everything. i got really weirdly unstable and started talking about how i sometimes get violent fantasies about killing my mum. it was overall a shitshow, and i ended the night clinging to him and begging him not to leave me for various reasons. (we have been together 4 years and he has never even hinted about wanting to leave??)

i dont need to explain why i am not happy with myself at the moment. i do think i may need to be euthanized actually. i am not ususally like this. despite how i am here, im ususally not that unstable in real life. i am a master of lying and pretending to be chill. thats why i have this blog, so i can put all my issues here. but i think i broke a bit. i had a conversation after i woke up and he says its okay, but i still feel terrible. im also a little hungover

i dont exactly remember what was going through my mind, but i started ranting about how the arguments in my mind were loud. and how i couldnt say anything oout loud without it feeling like a jury of people were reveiwing my words before i said them and feeding me lines. and that is strange. because i do get that, but every time i try to think about it too hard it instantly goes from my mind. dissaasociation respponse. i dont know what this means about me but i think i may need something checked out

also since when did this site get 2000 views who are you people