hoo yeah!!!! you read that right people im better!!!!! you wanna know why i'm better? because i'm so so so so so so SICK and tired of not being okay. takes up so much of my life!!! and for what?? makes me feel like shit all the time everything hurts so im just ignoring it! all of it! i'm okay because its not real and i am tired.
i don't get to be okay. sometimes i think i might be cursed.
this was going to be a beautiful heartfelt entry about how i was back from my 2 weeks staying with my partner and how that made me feel but i'm tired!! my last post was stupid by the way, im not evil for finsing people tiring im just depressed. i just find everything tiring because i'm depressed. but not anymore!!! i'm better and im happy and the dread isnt looming every second i promise you. ignore the spelling mistakes im writing this in one go at 1am and never looking at it again
a few months ago i was dealing with something different. complete and utter apathy. i couldn't care about anything. it spanned from february to around april. it started when i ran away from home and ended when i weant to germany. both those times i felt an emotional agony i can't describe in words. just pure pain. not complete collapse, but unending agony. if anything i was begging internally for mental collapse because it meant i didn't need to feel the agony. i felt it for the day i came back after i ran away, and again in the hotel room in germany.
in the past i had felt it in small amounts, usually pushed to the back of my mind. it would come out for little spurts every now and then, but that day in february after i came back from running? i wouldnt wish that on anyone. i didn't even want to kill myself. i wasnt agry at myself, i was just in agony. i don't know how to describe it. its like i had been flayed alive mentally.
and then it stopped. it all stopped for months. and i felt complete apathy about everything. i went weeks without crying. i tried cutting myself and i felt nothing. i wanted to get worse, i was begging to get worse. and then i went on holiday with my family to germany in april. with my mum. and she just kept being. weird. she kept touching me on my ass or thighs and making weird jokes and i couldnt escape. i asked her to stop and she got mildly offended and asked if i make dirty jokes with my friends. she excused it by saying she was supposed to be my friend and it was okay because it was just banter like that. and i was so nervous around her because i grew up knowing i had to be anxious and fearful around her. i know she doesn't yell like she used to but she still puts the fear of god into me.
i think??? the thing that brought me out of my apathy was specifically when she pointed out the self harm scar on my arm and started joking about it and being weird and it shattered whatever apathy barriers i had up and i couldnt fucking deal with it.
i was laying in the fetal position on my pull-out hotel sofa bed. the walls were spinning from the shitty alcohol i had begged my dad to buy me and i was shaking because the agony was not going away. it couldn't be drowned by alcohol, it was in me and it was peeling me open. and i started planning suicide, for once not because i felt like i deserved it, but because i couldn't imagine living like this. i just kept asking over and over why why why why i would ever want to get worse. why would i want this.
it has been four months. and the agony spells haven't. fucking left.it keeps happening at random, so severe it feels like im going to die. and sometimes i can ignore it, so it sits and festers in the back of my throat and it feels like sour rot. it eats its way through my intestines. or sometimes it feels like my organs are rotting, melting into sludge inside of me. it makes life feel like sludge. and it so so very rare it ever stops for even a moment.
and honestly? i am quite tired of it. pain for the sake of pain. so maybe, maybe if i insits "im better yay" enough, i will be. because nothing i have tried yet has fucking worked. and i'm getting desperate.
"we both wallow in despair and our own viscera we throw up on eachother and claw at eachothers faces. it is very very gross and we are in love and we will die in the same pit as we scramble and hold eachother as tight as possible until our nails pass through the dermis. we are crying. I think this is what it means"
thats something i said while in avery bad state a while ago. and it mena ssomething right now. i just don't care enough to explain it.