...

this is a big one sorry lads

I am nervous about my youtube channel gaining popularity. The one I use for vents. I might start drawing myself differently to avoid people recognising it as me.

A fact about myself is i have an internet presence. And it goes WAY back. I join discord servers and get recognized for things i made when i was fourteen. I even got recognized for this website a few days ago. And that’s terrifying. I know it might sound stupid but i like to keep my mental illness and my normal life separate. I may be unstable and on the verge of some sort of episode but the people around me really don’t need to see that. The people subscribed to my main channel aso do not need to see that. And most of all my parents do not need to see that.

I’m aware i might be asking for something impossible. You can’t put things out on the internet and expect nobody to see them, and you can’t wish for those things to get popular and then get pissy when they do. Also, i’m aware of how lucky i am when it comes to my internet fame. So many people are clawing for things i know how to do easily. I have the kind of autism pattern recognition that lets me game algorithms somewhat effectively. I know what thumbnails to use, i know what to put at the start of a tiktok to make someone stay. But sometimes i wish i could make shit, have it stay small and be okay with that. Sometimes i wish i could make things for myself without the itching need to share them with others.

I don’t value my own opinion. I don’t see myself as a person. The things i make are only good if others say they are. The experiences i went through are only valid if others say they are. Sure, this probably comes from being serially gaslighted my entire childhood into believing my thoughts and feelings are all made up and untrustworthy, but it's still really fucking annoying. It leads to a lot of bad situations for me in friendships where i instinctively trust others opinions over my own. Like it is comedic how easily manipulated i am.

Okay i need to talk about my partner. I never talk about him because i value his privacy and secretly fear he’ll read this. I don’t know why, i never have anything bad to say about him. He’s wonderful. I just want to keep his privacy. And the things i need to talk about with him are personal-ish? I guess if i keep it as vague as possible its okay. I don’t know if he’d really care to be honest but its still scary and i dont want to ask.

His life is so insanely terrible. Like to an absurd extent. Imagine most forms of childhood abuse and he’s gone through them. Parentification? Neglect? Grew up constantly swapping homes, Father absent and possibly dying, mother neglectful and verbally abusive and unfit to raise children, forced to raise brother, forced to take care of extended family, forced to be at their beck and call every second, forced into manual labour at around age 12?? (what the fuck??), physically abused by his closest friend for over a year to the point of leaving scars (what the FUCK??) etc etc you get the point. Its so much. And somehow he persists. He’s suffering amnesia and so many disorders all unmedicated and untreated but he remains kind. He chooses to be kind, He thinks he’s terrible but he’d rather run ass naked over hot coals than even slightly offend me, he chooses to be wonderful in all the ways he is despite it all and. It hurts. Sometimes. To see someone who has hurt more than me be nicer than me. To constantly compare myself to him. I won’t deny i was abused, but i still knew where i was sleeping each night. I knew my parents were healthy and loved each other and i was never made to feel bad about money. I never had the responsibilities he had. I have gone through a fraction of his pain and somehow i’m worse to be around.

He always insists he never had it that bad. And that hurts a lot. Because if he considers what he want through as “not that bad” then i went through fucking nothing. He insists i have it worse and it makes me want to laugh in some kind of weird way because i cant tell if he’s just trying to make me feel better or if he’s in such deep rooted denial he literally cannot see what has happened to him. Its probably the second option. i cannot explain to him why i want to cry every time he insists his pain wasn't that bad because he will not listen. He tells me not to compare our struggles but he doesn’t understand i’m not comparing, i am stating objective fact. I am able to understand what i went through as bad and also see he went through was far worse. I am not downplaying my problems, i am giving his the correct weight they deserve.

I might be selfish. Im seeing this all through the lens of me. He’s obviously downplaying his problems because he is repressing them. If he accepted the weight of them it would crush him. It is a coping mechanism. But it hurts every time he laughs through his problems because it makes it feel like mine are dirt. If his aren’t important, then mine are nothing. I know he doesn't think that. I am so aware he does not think that but how else am i supposed to read it?

Maybe i’m supposed to read it like a normal person and understand this is a coping mechanism he ahs developed that has nothing to do with me. Maybe i am selfish. Its just so hard not to feel this way when my entire life has been people downplaying my problems. I think it makes sense that if the person i trust the most implies mine are nothing it will make me feel that way.

I’m not angry at him at all, because i fully get where it comes from. I love him. But i know talking to him about this will be rough. Because i don’t know if i want him to acknowledge that my problems are less bad. I like the validation of him saying mine are worse than his. And thats awful to admit i know i know i am aware. But its true. Nobody is going to come out of the conversation happy and i dread that a bit.

i dunno if this makes sense. basically: my partner has had it worse than me, but insists what he went thrugh was not that bad. following that logic, he is also saying what i went through was not that bad to and even further extent. i am aware he does not mean it this way, but its hard to think that when ive been convinced i'm overdramatic about my issues my entire life.

wow that was sussinct. why did i need all these paragraphs again?