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i'm doing very, very bad. for the last 3? ish days i have been constantly trying to avoid thinking about it all. everything. how am i supposed to live like this? how am i even functioning? i'm shaking right now. i don't know how to handle this. she doesn't know. ive been through so much and they don't know. my mum does not know. would she call me a liar? i was abused and she's normal now. she acts like it never happened. she refuses it happened. i want to kill myself and it never happened. i feel sick.

i keep walking down to my dad and hugging him. no specified reason. hes just sort of catatonic. sometimes i would hug him after mum got upset at me and he wouldnt even hug back. he'd just stand there emotionless. he never offered support to me before, but he's the only one who i can talk to. but i can't. i'm scared. people always give the advice "just do it scared" but ive done everything in my life scared. i have been scared for so fucking long. what if one time JUST ONE FUCKING TIME i DON'T want to do something scared? maybe i want to tell someone without the excpextation of being yelled at?

people never give psychological abuse the attention it deserves. being a small child and having every part of my person repeatedly verbally broken down over and over and over until i felt like dirt. i was taught i was disgusting and manipulative and had no way to change and im constantly trying to prove it wrong it was wrong i promise it was wrong. i was 11 and i knew everyone would be better if i was gone. i need to tell her. i need to tell them how bad it ahs gotten but i can;t. how do you tell an abuser they abused you when they act completley unaware? i barely beleive my own memories how can i survive the most important person in my life telling me i'm insane.

i'm barely functioning and i'm scared. this post has done nothing to make me feel better.