Warning for discussion of romance and brief mentions of sexual stuff. Might want to add i am of legal age for these sorts of things, and me and my partner have an age gap of literally like 2 months. This is a safe relationship yada yada yada. Okay.
Romance and sex have always been something i didn’t care for. I never cared for them. I never have. I never understood kids in my class wanting boyfriends or girlfriends, i never felt that attraction to another person. I don’t experience the kind of romance most people do. I don’t get crushes. And while not getting into specifics, i have never much cared for sexual activity either. I've always fluctuated between a state of sex-repulsion and apathy for the whole thing.
And thats all fine and dandy. Thats all awesomesauce. The issue is, i have a partner. And i love him. I love him in my own special way where i don't yearn and i don't crave him every moment of the day, i dont see him as the ultimate being in my life, i dont see him as a prize or a goal or something i always want. i just know we’re in love. i like him holding me. I like kissing him and i love us being close. I think he is physically attractive.
But how can these things coexist??? I don’t. Know. i don’t know anymore. And its kind of bad. Because recently, ive been withdrawing a lot. Ive been dreading his touch, ive been scared of him. Theres no reason, he is the single most understanding person in the world. But i’m so scared. Maybe i’m scared of letting him down, maybe i’m scared i’ll make him sad, maybe im just scared of my mum. Thats something to get into with a therapist. The bottom line is: i am slowly becoming more scared of sexual and romantic activity. Months ago i was able to do these kinds of things without fear, i was okay with it. But now i cant even consume media to do with it. Not just sex, romance. It drives this pit into my stomach i cant describe. And that breeds a kind of guilt i cant describe.
Because my partner is not on the aroace spectrum the way i am. He experiences attraction quite strongly. We’ve spoken about it and he’s awesome about it, he never asks anything of me i don’t want, but im always aware. In the back of my mind. Im not nearly enough for him. I am not right for him. No matter how much he tells me “it's not true” i cant stop feeling like i’m not enough. I can force myself to look at explicit material all i want, but it doesn’t desensitize me, it just makes me feel more sick. I can force myself to read all the romance i can find, and i can realize how the way i love is never shown. I cant relate to these characters. I don’t get it. It makes me wonder if i actually love at all or if i’m just making everything up.
I have a thousand potential reasons for why this might be happening. A million excuses but it doesn’t erase the fact its happening. and i feel bad.
Recently, theres been a push to “re-sexualize” the LGBT. and thats awesome. I think kink identities and fetishes have been hidden and put down for way too long when they were a core part of forming this community. I think sexual activity has been demonized for too long. And i know the phrase is overused nowadays, but there really ahs been an issue in the rise of “purity culture”. But i think a lot of people are forgetting there are people who do find sex uncomfortable. People who are okay with others doing what they want, but cant stomach seeing it, and NEED warnings. Not censorship, warnings. Sex shouldn't be pushed as something everyone needs to do and partake in. you shouldnt feel like you’re failing morally because you don’t like sexual content. And you might think this is a non-issue, but with the spaces i frequent online it really is , at least to me. Maybe im just not getting it, maybe im privileged andexpecting too much but i don’t like getting into something with no warnings on it and getting punched in the nuts by something i really, really don’t want to see. I dont think every character from everything needs to be shipped actually. I dont think aces should only be accepted because “some aces can have sex!!”. I dont know. I could go on a whole angry rant but i dont have the energy to be the woke-ler right now. It just tires me.
I cant control how my mind reacts to this shit. I shouldnt have to feel like im betraying my community because of my orientation. I shouldnt have to feel like im betraying my partner. I shouldnt feel this guilt. I know its stupid, i know its trivial. But i feel bad.
I know he wants me. He wants me so bad and i’m pulling away. And ive told him why, and he says hes okay with it, but i know its hurting him, and he doesn’t want to say, because he doesn’t want to make me feel bad. I feel abd, he feels bad, everyone loses. Overall shit situation. I hope this gets better. I hope i don't stay like this but i don't know anymore.
this is all a response to the fact i just listened to the hit 2003 doctor who audio drama “scherzo” that had 2 characters deeply in love and slowly fusing into one being (followed by very gross flesh noises) and it was the most horrible things i have ever heard. And it was also the most romantic and intimate thing i had ever heard. I cant explain why you just need to trust me man its kinda peak. And it made me think about a lot of things.
Some nights i lay with him, i hold his hand so tight and i wish we could pass through each other. But for some reason, when im apart from him, the idea of being that close to someone is sickening. I don’t understand it. I don’t get it. I don’t know why i’m like this and i hate it.