as im coming up on my 18th birthday, im honestly not as wrecked as i thought i’d be. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. It is probably that it hasnt hit me yet. Birthdays stopped being fun about 5 years ago. they began signifying the fact i was running out of time to live my life. i'm so dissasociated and guilty and im hiding so much of myself from everyone i love that each new year feels like a failing, like i havent lived the way i shouldve. its a kind of panic about reaching an age you always said you'd kill yourself before reaching. you cant really explain it well to anyone who hasnt experienced it. it's a reminder of my mortality and it's a reminder that its been 10 years since i was eight years old and its a reminder that i'm running out of time. i am miserable. and i dont want to spend my entire life that way. and i know, i know this is really quite young to be feeling like this. but fuck. fuck this. fuck it all. how am i supposed to be 18 when i still feel like a 14 year old?
sometimes i worry i haven't done enough so far in my life. but i also think thats bullshit. ive made friends. ive made art. and thats basically what life is about, no? and another thing ive gained a few times is an audience. who are you people. who are the ones responsible for the 15 thousand blog views? and the however many youtube subscribers i have on my vent channel? its so odd. all the audiences ive gained in the past have been from me putting on a character and making something i grow bored with in a few weeks. but you people see me pouring my heart out on the regular and just seem to like it.
i know being this gutterally open about my mental health to a ton of strangers is dangerous, especially for me, mister "Highly Manipulatable And Seeks Out Abuse" man. but i think my strategy of using a fake name and hiding almost all contact details works good. nobody can slide into my dms and pull some shit on me. and if they somehow find a way to dm me from reading this blog i'll know to be creeped out because what the fuck how.
it is strange to think. you probably know me more than the people in my life do. i hope this blog makes you feel something. i saw someone once say they red through my blog and it reminded them of their past self. i'm flattered, honestly. im happy it connected with that person in that way. maybe my words are relatable to some of you. maybe im an interesting insight into psychology. either way, this is fucking weird. but im grateful for the outlet. thank you.