...

I am sick and tired of being like this. Caught in an endless loop of self reflection. Beating the shit out of myself on a regular basis isn’t character growth, it's just self harm.

I think i have osdd. It would make a lot of things in my life make sense. The severe dissociation. The constantly changing personality and identity issues. The amnesia. Even the psychosis. Did you know an eating disorder isn't supposed to manifest as an ACTUAL voice in your head? I didn’t. Also randy. But the fun thing is, i feel like i’m faking. Because as soon as i start to accept it, i freak out. I can’t explain it. It feels like im being stabbed in the chest, i get shaky, i want to vomit. My head gets impossibly loud and my chest tightens and i can’t think. It’s evil. Because my partner has it too. And in his usual fashion, he’s perfect. He can tell the differences between who is who in his head. The more he thinks about it the better of a grasp he has on it. He can talk about it. I can’t talk about it. And when he talks about it, i start to freak out.

And i've been told this is all part of the disorder. The panic and the sick and the constant urge to PUSH IT DOWN PUSH IT DOWN PUSH IT DOWN. but its all a mess in my head. And some people find it easier to talk about it. And that’s him. And obviously he wants to talk about it, it makes him unhappy when we can’t talk about it. But if he talks about it and i go into a panic attack it hurts him. Hell, if he even experience overt symptoms around me i start to freak out. How am i supposed to like myself when my partner’s mental health issues trigger my own? Im constantly making him feel terrible. I’m trying not to. Im trying to push it down and hide it for him. Ive told him what it does to me and hes seen it but it doesn’t stop me from having that physical gut reaction and it doesn’t stop him from mentioning it and showing it because it’s a disorder. That he has. And he cannot control. And i cant control mine either. And neither of us are in places where we can “just get therapy”.

And i think part of me is resenting him for it. Why is he so angry at me when he’s the one giving me panic attacks, hes the one causing ME to dry heave over the toilet for half an hour? How fucking DARE he? But i don’t think he’s angry at me. At most he’s a bit annoyed. Maybe he’s even as upset at himself as i am. I hope not. Either way these are all very messy and irrational feelings. He’s trying his best not to mention it around me. Which makes me feel horrible. But i don’t know what else i can do? What can i do?

I want to kill myself. This part of me. Or that part of me. Maybe both. Suicide pact with my own mind? I want to kill this part of myself. Maybe someone more competent will take over. But i can’t kill this part of myself if i’m being cut off from being able to differentiate who I am. Maybe that’s why i freak out so hard. Maybe im just overthinking all of this. Maybe i don’t have this issue. Wherever it is, i want to die and let someone more competent take over my mind. Because i’m not fit for this. I’m not good enough for anyone i love. I let them all down constantly. I genuinely don’t want to be alive, but i know actually killing myself will hurt people. I just want to give up. Why am i not allowed to give up? Why can’t i give up? Please just let me die please. Just let me give up.

I think i inherited my name from someone who doesn’t exist anymore. I’m not sure. I want to pass it on to someone better than me. I can’t do this anymore.

Incredibly stupid tone shift. There’s this comic i got into recently called the glass scientists. If you haven’t read it, you should, if you don’t want spoilers, please skip this stupid little paragraph. The comic is based on the classic story of jekyll and hyde (a story i have always loved). If you don’t know the premise of jekyll and hyde, sorry but i’m not explaining it. Look into it, it’s fun. Page 34 chapter 15 of the comic, hyde has control of the body, and jekyll just decides to give up. Bury himself deep in their shared psyche. Give up. He gives up. And i know its stupid, its from a dumb gay comic based on victorian literature, but something about the scene has buried itself in my mind. I want that option. I want to give up. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I want to die and one day i’ll find out how and you cant do anything about it. And you all know i’m not talking to the people reading the site. Fuck you all and fuck me as well. Happy easter.